No More Shackles

 Here is a post that I am sure will touch you as it did me.  It is a day I had with mother about a month just before her passing on August 15, 2012.  

I found this day to start off as any other day with our typical going over and the preparing of papers, making sure everything was in order at the time of my mother's death.  This was something I never looked forwarded to but knew how important it was to her because she wanted to make it as easy as possible on all of her children.  It was just another way she could expressed  her love for us all.  But even with all the busyness I could sense there was something still troubling my mother.  As we began to talk I started to see a side of her I had never seen before.  A side in some ways took me by surprise but in others not so much.  You see my mom had always been known as strong female or a strong welled woman to say the least.  Undestandably you can see how she would have developed such characteristics due to having to depend upon herself for much of her life.  But on this day I saw her covered with much trepidation.  I quickly came to the understanding that her spirit was in a tormented matter as she revealed a small yet "large portion" of her fears.  Those fears had left her mind in a defeated state, without the ability or recourse to understand what it meant to live a life of Godly freedom. 

Many of her afflictions began as a young child and continued to mount as life went on.  You see at an extremely early age she was sexually assaulted/raped on a continual basis by someone she loved and trusted.  Her innocence was stripped away.  Her little mind damaged as she was thrown into trying to figure out these adult acts all on her own.  A child, once very outgoing became aloof and suspicious and her personality altered.  All of this caused her to have a warped version of love, trust, and truth.  The family as she knew it would be no more as her invader left without a word and never to be spoken of again.  This caused my mother to naturally blame herself as other family member pushed her away.  This gave Satan a foothold; he took the darkness of her childhood and hurled it down like an infectious disease.  Not only did Satan cause confusion for my mother, he also used the horrific acts of another human to manipulate the minds of many others thus causing my mother “a small child” to take on the guilt of the adults uproar, gossip, secrecy, etc..  Not only was she carrying a wrongful burden she was also being haunted with the replaying of the disturbing memories, horrible spoken words, never ending hurts, endless rejection, and ongoing perception of disapproval by family members, community, and church.  This left her with a distorted version of Godly freedom.  And for this reason my mother seemed to always be chasing after approval, validation and what she thought to be love.  I personally believe she needed to hear “I am sorry” and “it was not your fault” from her mother and other family members so the healing process could begin, but regretfully she never got to hear those words therefore the stumbling block remained for much of her life.  

Momma knew too well what rejection felt like after all she lived it for much of her life.  But on this day the ultimate fear went much deeper and was like none other.  She had a profound sense of agony pressing deep within her.  This brought forth a vast amount of trepidation that spread throughout her entire body.  It was something she could not shake on her own no matter how hard she tried.  As we talked her fears became more real while the tears flowed down her face.  She was in a perceived losing battle, and her conclusion was God could not accept or love her.  She felt as though God had already cast her out and washed His hands of her.  As He was dooming her to Hell with no hope of her ever seeing His face regardless of her belief in His Son Jesus Christ who died on the Cross for her sins or how much she longed to be with Him.  She was having a hard time understanding His mercy (or at least the true meaning), grace, and forgiveness because of her perception of not getting it from those she needed it from the most “her parents”.  Thus causing her to base God’s Character on what she had experienced from those around her.  “This is a dangerous yet understandable place to be when we start to listen to the voices in our head.”  All of this was a distorted take on God’s grace and mercy and the lack of understanding to just how important she was to her Heavenly Father. 

Even though my mother asked Christ to come into her life she still had a hard time understanding and accepting His unconditional love.  Although during the last month of her life I saw I woman who came alive because she started replacing lies with truth, and hurts with joy while experiencing the true nature of Jesus for the first time.  As she began to understand and receive His unconditional love she was able to let her guard down and started to see the true character of her Redeemer.  I often wonder how different her life would have been and even the life of her children if she would have come to understand God’s love sooner.  

Often times I think of my mother being planted cement who was in need of a chisel and hammer so she could  break free from her fear, guilt, and shame in order for her to see the splendor that gracefully adorned her.  Even though she lived many days in chains of darkness I am thankful she was able to have a few days where she was freed from those chains and where she was able to see her true worth, while experiencing peace, joy, and God’s unconditional love for the first time.

“She is A Daughter of the King forgiving and Loved”

Psalm 107:10-14 Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness, prisoners suffering in iron chains, because they rebelled against God’s commands and despised the plans of the Most High. So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains