I'm finally "OUT" of the closet

Spring brings new growth, fresh smells, and many chores.  As the sun radiates throughout the house the drapes are drawn and windows open I set out to do spring cleaning.  This regular ritual consists of loading the CD player with my favorite CD’s, gathering supplies, etc.  With music up, tools in hand my mission begins.  As I figure out a good starting point I thank the Lord for my many blessings through song. Then before I know it I am off and running, praising and glorifying His name as I move furniture, wash windows, and clean out closets.  Funny how quickly my list dwindles when I am singing and dancing before the Lord. 

The tackling of the master closet has been the hardest task thus far.  For starters it took me five days only because it had not been cleaned out since October 2010 to be precise.    So, I really had no idea what was in there but what I did know it was stacked high and everything out of sight for others to see.  I knew this was not going to be easy but as always God would see me through and knowing Him and how He works in my life, there would be some kind of spiritual renewal awaiting me.  But to be honest I did not know if I was up for it.  With the sudden death of my brother in March 2011, my mother’s illness and passing in August 2012, and the very recent passing of mother-n-love in late March 2013 my first response was to stop before I start. 

As I walked in the closet an overwhelming sense of panic come over me however, I continued.  Tears flow, my heart tightens, and nervousness sets in.  Yet, I plowed through even though it was extremely emotional and physical to say the least.  The reality of my losses started to become more final as my heart and head join together in my grief for the first time.  And without fail God was there to wipe my tears, while giving me the strength and courage to get me through.  On the other hand that was only the beginning.  Just as I began to wonder if there was an end to this the Lord’s natural rays beamed through and the unexpected happened.

While I took time to look at my progress I could not help to think shopping for new things without the purging of the old is never a good mix.  Then before I knew it God’s enlightenment came upon me and things became clear. “My freedom to grieve had been masked through acts of retail therapy” WOW!  I had focused so much on my love ones new found liberty that I was discounting the importance of my own human loss.  By masking my pain with stuff it was keeping the Lord from walking with me though my sorrows.  My loss was great and it is okay to cry, feel sadness, and even be angry at times because it is a part of accepting my loss and is a very necessary part of moving forward in a health matter. 

Although I found comfort in my purchases it was only temporary, unhealthy, and was keeping me from dealing with my heartache.  I am thankful to have the closet clean but more so to have a God who takes times like these for revelation.

I leave you with: “The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow” Psalm 34:18